Say what you need to say.

I am not depressed.  I am selfish.

I create these problems through things that don't make sense.  I try to make certain events or people define who I am.  I keep saying that certain attributes about myself make me.  They don't.  The only person that can make me who I am is me.

I have been horrible.  I have been horrible about gossiping, talking about people when they don't deserve one ounce of what I've been saying about them.  They don't deserve to be talked about like that, and now I know that it was wrong.

I have been two-faced when it comes to school and church and everything.  I try to be a good person but when it comes down to it that doesn't mean anything.  The only thing that means something is compassion, really.  Like my youth pastor once said - don't be generous, be compassionate.  Have empathy for people.  Care about people.

I could care about people.  Despite what they've done in the past, despite everything.  Whether they've screwed me over or not, whether they've gotten on my nerves or not....I could be the person I know I should be.  I could see what I've done wrong, not what they've done wrong.

I have been wrong and I am sorry...

Now I have to say what I need to say.

<3

I'm a passionate one and you're my masterpiece.

I don't want it.  I don't want to be in a class with THEM.

You'd think I'd be over it by now, but I'm not.  I'm really not.

I just know they're going to be there...being....

Being....in love.

They are in love.  Whatever sick version of love they're in.

They are in a superficial love and...

And I want that.  I want love.

But I just push everyone away.  I am bad at being in love.  I am bad at love in general.  I am bad at life in general.  I am bad at most everything I do.

I miss him.  I miss the way we used to always talk about everything.  I miss the way he used to bother me and smile just for me and....

I miss the way he loved me.  If he ever did.

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I wanna start a fight.

I don't want to go to college.

I would just go and be horrible at it.

I'm not good at making friends and I'm not good at school.
But I'm going to college, aren't I?
Cause my parents want me to.

Don't get me wrong, I want an education or whatever.
But...whatever...

I just want to have fun.  Can't I just go out and have fun?
I'm not happy right now.  Not really.  Not ever.
So I just want to go out and have fun.

Not go out to the movies with people fun, but like...party, make your paernts worried fun.
Dangerous fun.

I just learned that I failed the very first test of the year.  I studied.  I studied my ass off.  And I studied the wrong things.  I always study the wrong things.  I always fail at everything.  I always fail.

I wish I could start my high school years over.  I could be brilliant and cool and popular and...and...

And not me.

I could be not me.

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I'm falling.  I'm falling down and freaking out.  Sitting here, waiting for messages again.

I wish I could tell them.

I wish I could tell people that I cry a lot.  That right now happy songs are just making me feel worse and worse about myself.  I wish I could say that I don't really want to go to college.  That I would be fine finding a random job and staying in a random town and not doing anything with my life.

I wish I could tell people that sometimes I can't stand to look in the mirror.  That once I threw up my food because I thought it would make me skinny, and it felt like the best thing I've ever done.  I wish I could tell people that I like taking pills, but I never take too many because I actually don't want to die...I really don't.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm scared.

I wish I could tell them that I think God's a bully and he's doing this to me because he has some kind of sick, personal vendetta against me.  I wish I could tell them that I'm a statistic.  That I hate February, but only because I am exactly like the one person I never wanted to be like.

I want to tell them that I'm sick.  Sick and tired of everything and everyone and that I need someone to talk to.  Anyone.  I'm tired of talking to journals and diaries and strangers.  I need to talk to someone that will listen to me without judging me but without loving me, because that's only going to make me feel worse.

I wish I could tell people that I think I'm depressed, but I'm not sure.

I wanna get back to the old days...

Woah.  It's been like...a year. So much has happened, and then so much hasn't. I forgot how much this place was my sanctuary, my place to go for everything...to write whatever I wanted.

This is good.  Me, writing like this.

So I'm finally a senior.  I have to admit, it's pretty badass, being a senior.  I freaking love it!  But the downside is, of course, the future thing.  The fact that I have to figure out my future, hang out with my friends, get money for school, get my license (!!), keep my grades up and parents happy, and do it all before...well, before time is up.  Before there's nothing left.

I'm waiting (not so patiently) for a message from my...friend?

So it's like this:  I love him.  Not like a boyfriend and not like a brother, but something inbetween.  I can't stand not talking to him, and I enjoy seeing him, but I don't want to hang out with him 24/7.  I guess he's a friend - well, he is - but...but he's more than that.  I'm not sure at the moment.  It's weird.

I want to be someone.

I am fighting to be someone.

<3